I blinked. It happened that fast. Everyone warned me I wouldn’t see it coming and they were right. I couldn’t stop it. Those sweet, old, church ladies told me that you would grow up faster than I could possibly imagine. They told me one day I would blink and you would be a teenager. No expectant mommy to be thinks about the day their little baby will begin to transition into a young man. Of course there were days during your toddler years I longed for you to grow to the point you’d stop kicking and screaming in your car seat. There were moments I just wanted to look at you say “Just grow up!” (I may have actually said that a few times out loud) Sure there were moments I wanted to stop singing songs from the Wiggles and have a real conversation with you as you sat in the front seat of the car. But those days came way too fast for your mom. I love you but I don’t like this.
Here’s the cold hard facts: You are growing up whether I like it or not. Since we’re being honest, it is all very overwhelming to me. It feels like you’re passing me up. I don’t mean just the fact that you’re taller than me. You’re passed the days I could help you with math (we realized that last night for sure), there are things that only you and dad can talk about now, and you don’t even need me to dress you. I mean kid you’ve got style. There’s something else about you that surpassed me.
You have a deeper walk with God than I did at age 12. You don’t meet many young men these days who are so deeply in love with God the way you are. There aren’t too many kids out there who just “get” what it means to have a relationship with Jesus the way you do. I love that about you. It’s always been you. Dad and I can’t take credit for it and you know that probably bothers him a lot too.
And your personality! How could I write you and not mention your personality? You constantly surprise me with your sarcastic humor and quick wit. You make me laugh the way your dad makes me laugh. I love that about him and I’m so grateful you’ve got that piece of him in you. It is a gift from God!
You have so many incredible qualities that I admire. You are a true blessing to this family and to me. You were the first to introduce me to this mommywonderland that has become my life. And because you were the first for me, there are many firsts you will experience that your brother won’t. So because of that, I want to ask my grown up kid for some grace. Can you be patient with your dear old mom?
I have never been a mom to a teenager before. This part of life is new to both of us. I’m just as confused as you are about the changes you’re going through and will go through. I’m going to mess up with you. Probably a lot. There will be things we will walk through together that I have to learn from too. I won’t say the right things sometimes. Other times I’ll probably say too much. I know for a fact there will be a day you’ll say, “Mom you just don’t get it!” And you might be right. I promise you, I’m doing the best I can. Growing is hard on all of us. But, if we can stick together, we will grow together. I know we will learn together and, with God’s help, we will graduate into the next phases of life better together.
You are an incredible kid. I trust who you are. I trust in the values we’ve tried to instill and you have embraced. I have every reason to believe the words you speak. I know you well and I’m proud of who you are.
So now you are asking an honest question: “Okay mom, then why do you freak out so much on me?” The answer is simple. Fear. I fear you outgrowing me. I fear you not wanting to share every part of your life with me. I fear going from mommy to mom to mother overnight. I fear losing my little boy.
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you”
You are and have always been God’s kid first. Dad and I chose to entrust you to Him the day you were born. So yes, I am scared. I have lots of fears about you and your brother growing up. But although it didn’t happen at 12 for me, I do trust in God. I trust Him to watch you, protect you, and speak encouraging words full of wisdom, hope, and CAUTION to you when I’m not with you. He’s the parent you’ll never out grow. And He’s got your back. And if He’s got your back, I can breathe a little easier and the fears I have about you as you grow will hopefully subside a bit. This doesn’t mean no freak outs. This means they will hopefully come less frequently over time.
You’re my first. I’m your first and only. So we’ll always have that no matter how old you get. Now go do your homework.